Since I got my new equipment my diving has been off. First, the mask almost gave me a panic attack 40 under because it was too tight (thanks Arturo for saving me), then the next dive it was too loose, then the third dive the wetsuit was a nightmare (thanks Liam for help with that)….
June 23rd, 2017 I did my fist night dive- this would be the fourth dive. The wetsuit wasn’t worn the mask was under control, things were looking good : )
It was scary. I messed up initially because I went down without my buddy and although he was right behind, I started off with the fear of God in me, but also the safety net that I knew I was trained and able to do the dive.
I will not lie, I spent most of the dive considering that if I was leading it I would have no clue where anyone was, or how to organize it. I bow my a hat to Chris for being able to keep it together and lead us to safety. When I finally found my buddy, I stuck to him like white on rice, and my thoughts in a humorous way went to how he literally held my life in his hands. I probably would have followed him to China if there was enough air. On the ascent, I lost him again and life slapped me in the face with the tentacle of a jellyfish. I am not sure what the reason for that was- maybe come back to the present and stop day dreaming about being in the boat. It hurt like hell.
I say the above with a smile (a day after), but the last two weeks have helped me realize, or reiterate, a few things about myself and how I believe people see me. I would like to clarify:
- I am not as strong as I look or act. I have a survival mechanism that says “tira pa lante” (go forward) but in reality, I really like people to tell me it is going to be ok. To feel connected in the journey.
- I want love. I talk a big about being single and its wonders, but I really would love a partnership. In scuba you have a buddy for each adventure, I want a buddy for mine.
- I mask sadness more than I would like. Since they have taken V I have had a seed of pain in me, and not matter how far I go or what I do it is there (yes, mom you were right). Usually, my healing process is learning new things and having a new adventure, but this time the pain is too deep to just be filled with facts and experiences. I need to get used to not having him with me, near me, to care for and have experiences with on the daily. For 7 months he was my buddy. I know it will get easier, but it going to take more than two weeks in Paradise.
- I like to be taken care of, even though most of the time I do the taking care of for people around me. I have felt incredibly supported and loved my Noelle, my roommate here, she is a young beautiful fresh 19 and has a keen sense of what is right and wrong. So when I mention things to her, she not only has good advice, but she also encourages me to come “complete” by having conversations with the parties involved. “Diving is all about taking it through” When anything happens under water you have to discuss it, relate to others about and connect.
- It’s hard to overcome insecurities even at 36. I have scars, some extra pounds and …. a body that has been to hell and back and kept me alive. I need to love it more. Thanks Laura for reminding me of that!
In the end, no matter how far you go, that is where You are. Completely, fully, entirely, you and only you, carrying a bag full of rocks that can, either weigh you down or become your favorite thing to carry. Somehow, those rocks are the weight of your life, I am going to choose that the pain, give me a chance to love harder, the tears clear my eyes to see the beauty the world holds, the scars be battles I have one, and today be the best I can make it.
When in doubt:
- Count your blessings.
Here are a few of the things I have seen lately- Stolen from Ervin Velic 🙂 my classmate.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post 🙂
Please comment below! I will be posting on Saturdays from now on.