I have been in Austin for almost a month. I miss diving, I miss the sea breeze. I miss my #divetribe. I miss the security of knowing that my concerns have specifically to do with my gear being ready, the weather being in accord, and making sure I have enough food to cook for the family on my given night. I wish I was living in Spain with V, teaching diving and yoga, doing freelance, and that the ocean was my backyard.
It is common for me idealize the past, but I tell you this, the truth is, no matter how hard you want to escape any given reality, it is part of you – be pain or joy – it won’t just go away if you change cities, countries, people… trust me I have tried. The worries I had leaving Austin crept up on me in Roatan and I had friends that wiped my tears and soothed my fears – there was no intent on rhyming just there :D- Diving became my new version of yoga. I wasn’t able to think of anything put the present moment at depth, so for 45-60 minutes, my only concern was being.
Bianca says I always come back to Texas so I should just stay put. HA! Never. I like to get lost to find myself. I like to experience, grow, learn and see. I can’t imagine being stagnant in the same pond for long periods of time. Our world, as shit shape as it seems to be in right now, is still a miraculous place with incredible amounts of wonder to be discovered. Even here as I sit happily in Austin, I am planning my next adventure. Not because I don’t live in the present, but because I want to LIVE, not just exist in the momentum of daily life. Mind you, I have thoroughly enjoyed being back, I am grateful for my family, for my friends, for the new position at St. Edward’s, the time I get to spend with Vicente and even for the uncertainty in my life. It is really hard to trust the wait yet when nothing is certain, anything is possible (also my cover photo on facebook).
I have slowly settled into a routine back in Austin. I have had a few unwanted rollercoasters that I have promptly exited. I am keen on excitement, not drama. I’ve also realized that at 36 I am a bad ass, I have accomplished every goal I have set for myself, academically and professionally, and on a personal level, I love without holding back. In Austin, I have been treated really poorly by people that saw me as a threat in their organizations and not a springboard full of opportunities, this was and is their loss. Prior to Roatan, I had a limited the scope of my worth and what I deserved… that no longer exists.
I am grateful for St. Edward’s and I am sad I didn’t start working there before. I absolutely love my students. They are funny, kind, and hardworking. They are also appreciative of my instructional style without taking for granted my kindness- I like to think of my classes as a gregarious meeting for the love of Spanish language and culture…
I can’t tell you what is next, or how it will end up, or where I will be in a year or with who. I like the idea of planning, I like the idea of control, but as inhale this thought I exhale and purposefully let go of the handle.
I’m sorry it has been a while. hanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.