In life, we get to make a lot of choices and a lot of those choices, or at least a lot of the choices that are most layered and hold perpetual weight in who we are and how we see the world, are around relationships. Puzzling, obscure, beautiful and fateful choices decide who we hold near or push away and they have a ripple effect on our “big picture”.
I am always in awe of my “take no shit” friends. I have tried to master the ability to not give the benefit of the doubt and to walk away from red flags at first sight, but alas, it takes me a few times of walking into a glass door to decide that the door will not budge and I am better off walking away. LOL (this has taken a while too, I used to freeze outside!)
I have the determination to make the right choices in other parts of my life. I will set a goal and achieve it. That is why I have traveled, studied and adventured as much as I have. All I need is to dream it, and I will make it happen… in all aspects but my romantic life.
My romantic life is a struggle. I am now officially off bumble- because it is too much work, and honestly, all the hoopla about treating finding a man like work doesn’t speak to my idea of romantic courtship or romantic love, faith, serendipity, or destiny. If it is meant to be it will, right?…. wrong?? Who knows. The minute I stop trying it will happen? Will I find him in Spain? I get advice all the time…
- Ana you try too hard.
- Ana you don’t go out enough.
- Ana your expectations are too high.
- Ana you settle too easily.
- Ana you go to fast.
- Ana you go to slow.
- Ana you are too independent.
- Ana go on the bachelorette (HA!)
- Ana .. Ana .. Ana…
It’s literally become noise in the background. Like at yoga class, when you are totally zenned out and thoughts just pass you by… I hear the advice and just wished arranged marriage was something Spanish parents did. (maybe… 🙂 )
I recently started reading Aziz Ansari’s first book Modern Romance. I am barely through it and I already know my notions of love belong in era’s way before this one, when things were simpler, without the protection found behind texting and the enormous amount of options we all have. Let’s just skip the screen and phone self and stick to the real self. But here is the real kicker, I think that for me, in this particular life journey, it has nothing to do with all of the above and everything to do how I see myself and love myself.
So… maybe you are reading this and thinking- check, check, check. Let’s see how you feel about this thought, which has been a recurring theme in my life for as long as I can remember and one I hope to truly to embody in 2018,
we accept the love we think we deserve.
I am taking this the most literal way, the way I accept so many other things in my life; I buy the pants I look good in, stay at the hotel I know is located in the part of town near places I want to visit, go to a dive school that is going to offer what I want, leave a low tip for bad service… I know, you know, we both know what it is to accept what we deserve in life. Do you buy clothes you hate? Do you wear makeup that is all jacked up? I am going to guess NO. Why not have authority in our romantic life? Why haven’t I done it? Why did I date guys that were negative nancy’s hiding under the I am just honest umbrellas… and feel like it was weird to want to go do things? I don’t want a negative or boring or stay home drink alone, no adventure kind of man so I am inclined to make the conscious choice in 2018 to only accept the love I know I deserve. I will start by living a life and loving myself in such a tremendous way that I lead by example.
What do you think? Are you up for the challenge?
Let me know!
Thank you for reading,